Genesis 3:1"....Did God really say?"

Doubt is undoubtedly a motivation killer. It slowly creeps in with one teensy little question which gradually over time undermines everything that you believe is true. What question am I referring to you might ask? Here it is.... "Did God really say..." 

For those of you who don't know me, let me introduce myself here. I'm Merritt. A mother of two boys, a 10-year-old named Allister and a 7-year-old named Beaumont, who by the way is autistic. I am happily married to my wonderful husband Jeritt. 

Merritt and Jeritt.... yes, our names rhyme and no we didn't change our names so they would be strikingly similar. They truly are our God given names from birth. I always say that we are a match made in heaven! I apologize for my assumption. It is a very common question that we receive when someone meets us for the first time. 

Anyway, I wanted to make it clear that my husband and I are Christ followers. It is very important to both of us to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit always. So, when this question pops up in one of our minds "Did God really say" we have to take pause and make sure we are walking in the obedience to God's Word and direction. 

In the Bible, Genesis 3:1, the serpent offers this little seedling of doubt to Eve, and quite honestly, all hell breaks loose in the garden, as Adam and Eve, forget to trust God and allow this tiny question to shape one decision, that changed everything. 

A year ago, I faced a difficult battle. Undoubtedly the serpent whispered this question in my head, and I was stuck. I kept trying to move forward into what I know is true, but really struggling with knowing for certain if God really said to me my next steps or did, I just make it up...or worse yet, did I hear wrong all together. 

The good news is that the Holy Spirit wakes me up early in the morning most days, way before the kids or my husband are up, and He talks to me. One morning He woke me up at 4:37 am to show me that I was in the middle of doubting God. Here is what happened. 

My motivation was gone. It felt like I was stuck in a jar of marshmallow cream. It is white, fluffy and sticky. Fairly harmless, marshmallow cream. When mixed with the right ingredients, it can create some really yummy candy. However, right at that moment, I was having a real hard time swimming through the muck of doubt, trying desperately to get to the top, to get to the answers. 

The Holy Spirit had me do a quick review of 2021 and to examine where that question, "Did God really say" popped into my life to cause stagnation. 

January 2021, Allister turned 9, Beaumont was just diagnosed by his school as autistic, I was working full time (50+ hours or more) in an executive role for a for profit vocational school as an Executive Academic Advisor. My husband was working full time as an educator for the same company. All normal routines were back after Covid wreaked havoc in 2020, except I was still working from home per my doctor's orders. 

February 2021, Beaumont was having big challenges in the after-school program, which by the way was not affiliated with the boy's elementary school, and quite honestly, they were just not equipped to handle an autistic child. They tried, but it was apparent to Jeritt and I that we needed to do something different. We began to pray about the boys after school needs. 

March 2021, we seek the approval from my direct supervisor to take a late lunch so I can pick up the boys from school, then finish my workday. It was clear that Beaumont really could not function in the after-school program, and we believed it was best to withdraw the boys temporarily from after school program and see what God showed us in that time. This was a pretty good band aid for the moment. 

April 2021, a bigger issue began to come up in our prayer time. I was struggling. Lately, I began to realize that I was no longer happy in my role at work. Although I believe that happiness is a choice, I also began to realize that change needed to happen. Not only was I stressed concerning work, but we had no clue what to do with the boys once school let out for the summer. I searched the internet trying to find a day camp that could manage Beaumont. Autistic kids have special needs, although Beaumont is verbal, sometimes in various settings he struggles with other children. Beaumont's safety and well-being is of course, extremely important to us and Allister's enjoyment and safety is important. So, what do we do? The only special needs Autism summer camps were in Dallas, 2 hours from us. At this point, I was desperate. I could tell that my stress level was affecting the boys, work and my marriage. Jeritt and I had to find out what we needed to do and fast. 

At this point, I began to review all my journal notes to see what God had spoken to me about 2021. 

God gave me three directives for 2021. He said, enjoy your family, rest in ME, and transformation. Then He said this, "Merritt, the love and protection you feel towards your boys is the same I feel for you. Can you feel it now? I AM here for you. Even when you don't feel me, hear me or sense me, I am here. Believe. Protect those you love from evil through faithful prayers. I hear you. Do not worry. I have the plans and I will carry them out even if you are unsure or make a miss step. I AM in control and will ultimately see the Kingdom of God on Earth. Remember your family first, not work, your plans are not MY plans...ALWAYS.... this.... you must seek MY face before you make decisions always."

Prayerfully, we asked God to show us what our next steps were to be. Looking over what God had spoken to me about 2021, we knew God would direct us and provide the answers we needed. And He did. May 7, 2021, was my last day in a career that I truly loved. God asked me to put aside my career, our second income, everything we had worked so hard to gain over the past 8+ years and say goodbye to working and say hello to being a stay-at-home mom. 

The only challenge was that we really needed that second income, or so we thought. We knew that temporarily we could manage on one salary but even with reducing our expenses, Jeritt's salary just would not cover the cost of everything.

As I was praying over our income needs and the boys after school needs and summer supervision needs, I felt like I was being nudged to consider getting my teacher's certificate for Texas. I have a bachelor's and master's degree. Recognizing this would allow me to have a similar schedule to the boys, plus doing something I love... teaching... I signed up. 

So why did this question of doubt come into my mind? What triggered the "did God really say?".... 

June 2021, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. This news was a shock to me, my family and my dad. He was one of the most fit people I knew. He ate healthy, was physically active and very much alive and a free spirit. 

Instead of spending this summer playing with the boys, I spent the summer of 2021 flying back and forth to the coast of NC, to be with my dad. My sister, aunts, cousins, family friends and Hospice all shared the load of taking care of my dad. Unfortunately, the cancer started in the pancreas and moved to his lungs and stomach. Pancreatic cancer ate him up. During this time my prayers changed from heal him here on earth to release him from this earthly shell and reward him with his heavenly body. 

Sadly, on September 30, 2021, my dad peacefully passed away in his sleep due to complications from cancer. And I was done. 

This event caused the muck that honestly kept me stuck for an entire year. From the moment I lost my dad to September 2022, I could not move forward in anything God wanted me to do. Did God really say... took a hold of me in one of my darkest moments and kept me from fulfilling God's plan. 

Lessons I learned during this struggle... 

Read your Bible, pray without ceasing and journal. Lean on your loved ones and friends. Heal. Don't make any rash decisions while you are in the middle of an emotional state. 

Most importantly, listen to the Holy Spirit and Trust God. He has your best interest at heart, and He will make His purposes known. Lastly, when the devil/or the serpent sneaks in and whispers or shouts to you..."Did God really say.." Tell that devil to go back to Hell, in Jesus' name!